Until my dying day
by Ruthyroo
Summary: As Ste gets ready for his wedding thoughts of Brendan plague his mind. A one shot.


**Until my dying day :)**

I stand and look at myself in the mirror; I look good and the great suit I'm wearing fits me perfectly. I'm wearing a blue tie that matches the colour of my eyes and I'm almost ready for my special day. I feel a little giddy, like nerves have got the better of me and i sit down on the bed in the hope of letting this dizzy moment pass, so that I can carry on getting ready. I've been so excited about the wedding lately that I've hardly had time to think about anything else.

I certainly pick my moments to start thinking, but then again I suppose this is my last chance, you know to think of him before I tie the knot, before I say goodbye to him forever. My heart fills heavy all of a sudden and he has invaded my mind once more. I lie back on my bed and closing my eyes I think of happy times with him. I want to see my face and try and remember how I felt when it was just us. Was I happier back then…with him? I still have so many unanswered questions.

Like why he is still inside me after all this time, tucked away somewhere? Why do I feel the need to protect him and look out for him like I do? Why do I risk everything for him? I may not like it at times but he has a hold on me and nothing or no one will ever change that. Since I first met him, he has always been in my life and I can't image it without him…even now. Even after all the pain and heartache. My stomach is in knots and I'm wondering if this is what cold feet feels like.

Seriously though, I've lost count on how many times I have come back to this place. The place inside my head where I have what I have always wanted, my heart's desire, my one true love…him. I often wonder if he feels the same and if I have a place inside his head. I try and not think of him, and sometimes it works. I make myself think of everything else but him and it's like I'm finally free of him, if only for a short while. Of course he soon pops back in to my brain and once again he is all I think about.

I think of times when he could have had me, when I was willing to give all of myself to him. He put me through hell back then and I still desperately wanted him to change so that we could be together. He never made the change though; instead he pushed me further away. I kept fighting him but it was pointless, I guess I wasn't enough reason for him at the time. Every time we found each other we got a little bit closer, but it wasn't enough and soon something would always come between us.

There was a time that I would have given him everything; my life revolved around him. I never knew that I could feel that way about someone. I don't think that I will ever feel that way again. They say there is no love like your first love and I truly believe that. I open my eyes to check the time and in less than an hour I will be giving myself completely to Doug and I should be the happiest man alive, only I don't feel that way. For something that is right for me it sure feels wrong.

With Doug it's simple and easy, I don't have to try. It just all falls together naturally. That's love isn't it? He's kind and thoughtful, reliable and dependable and he is good for me, a positive influence on my life. We have all the ingredients for a long, loving relationship and that's how I know I'm doing the right thing, I'm doing what's best for me and Doug is best for me isn't he? I feel like I'm trying to convince myself, but I've already made my choice and I know who my future is with.

Even if I didn't know, even if I had my doubts, it's too late to change anything anyway. I've built a life with Doug and if I give that up just because I'm having second thoughts then I could lose everything. I have been hurt by him so many times and I can't let myself go back to that. It would destroy Doug and I don't think I could cope with that. I'm told it's normal to have wobbly moments before your wedding…yep that's all this is wobbly moments. They will soon go, as quick as they came.

It's mad looking back at how we were, I thought he was perfect for me, I loved everything about him. I didn't even care how dark he got, I loved him even more then I suppose. I wanted to help him, be the one to change him. I wanted to wrap him up in love even when he was hitting me and taking all his frustrations out on me. I'd been there myself, Amy's love made me change and I thought if I could do the same for him then he could love me the way I loved him.

I can see the changes now; he's becoming the man that I always wanted him to be. Only this time someone else will get all the benefits and really it should have been me. For all the bad he has done, he has also done a lot of good and I know he will always be there for me. I get off the bed and walk over to the mirror again. I straighten myself out and pin my white rose to my jacket. I take a deep breath and smile a nervous smile; it feels like my whole body is shaking.

The saddest thing is my life could have been so different. I could have been marrying him today, how I wish he'd tried harder. He made his choices though and now I've made mine. He's my one that got away and I guess no matter what lies ahead of me I will always wonder what we could have had together, I think we could have been amazing. See feelings like that never really go away and with Brendan he got under my skin, he carved his name on my heart and I think I will always love him….until my dying day.

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